This Will Start a Lot of Bar Fights

Scene From Peter Pan

THE IMAGE: Shameless hussy Wendy Darling attempting to kiss androgynous adventurer Peter Pan before jealous fairy-bitch Tinker Bell deliberately fucks it up.

THE BAIT: Swoon-inducing screen grabs from animated children's movies showing a simulated unsensual kiss between two fictional human, semi-human, or non-human artistic renderings owned by a multinational mass media corporation.

THE TARGET: Teary-eyed white suburban mothers who longingly watch Disney movies over and over again with their zombified kids as an escape from their romantically disappointing lives, middle-aged women who collect Hummel figurines, BuzzFeed fluff stuffers looking for more mindless pap to amuse the baying idiots who visit their website, the entire viewing audience for the Hallmark Channel.

THE STUPID: Honestly, how do you "rank" a kiss that not only haven't you experienced yourself, but which doesn't even involve biological life forms? How does one's heart race over assemblages of digital pixels that are programmed to change color in particular patterns so that from a distance they create a recognizable image in the human brain? How dreary and vacant must an adult person's life be if they are sufficiently knowledgeable about and emotionally invested in Disney movies to have strong opinions regarding which characters' "kisses" are the best while the world crumbles around them? Increasingly detached from reality, defiantly languishing in perpetual adolescence, we are becoming a nation of Peter Pans.