Life in Lockdown

Repurposed Jar of Vaseline

THE IMAGE: An open plastic jar of Vaseline brand vaseline with a damaged rim containing several disconcertingly bent implements stuck upright in its reservoir of soothing but sinful petroleum jelly.

THE BAIT: Some weird shit people do with Vaseline.

THE TARGET: That strange guy on the subway whose decade-old Planet Hollywood Orlando t-shirt is tucked into his underwear, oil industry executives looking for ways to maintain profit margins as the world transitions from fossil fuels, committed beauty pageant contestants, bored cretins, Andy Dick.

THE STUPID: Okay, so, other than the jar of Vaseline, I don't really know what I'm looking at here, which of course is the point. But I love the sponsor's chatty, suggestive headline, using the pronoun "we" to make it sound like there's a group of human beings behind this presentation who are genuinely surprised by novel Vaseline uses they just heard about, instead of a faceless bottom-feeding marketing company leveraging the curiosity of imbeciles. And why is the Vaseline jar displayed on a pile of logs? Are you supposed to light it? Actually, despite the obvious insanity of setting a petroleum product on fire, that seems preferable to some other alternatives that come to mind.

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