So You're Saying She's Available

Maria Sharapova in Paris

THE IMAGE: Five-time Grand Slam singles champion, former No. 1 women's tennis player, and memorable Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Maria Sharapova, photographed in a city you've never been to, holding a trophy awarded for a sport you can't play, and smiling at someone you don't know.

THE BAIT: Some racy secret about Maria Sharapova that explains why she hasn't gotten married, other than because, like millions of other women who have the freedom to make their own decisions, she doesn't fucking want to. "I've never had a boyfriend who could keep up with my incredible sex drive," Sharapova laments. "If only a creepy stranger who reads this online and believes he has what it takes to satisfy me would give me a call." Something like that.

THE TARGET: Men who don't venture onto a tennis court but do spend a lot of time in family court, men who induce women to re-press their already lit-up floor buttons in elevators, men who like ogling female athletes from a chair they sit in eleven hours a day, men who think every woman wants to have sex with them or will retroactively decide that she did, Matt Lauer.

THE STUPID: Although the headline correctly gives Sharapova's current age as 34, the featured photo was taken in 2014, when she was 27 (don't worry -- she still looks amazing). But it's not even a headline as much as an unremarkable statement of fact. Maria Sharapova has never been married. Great, thanks for letting me know. Why is a photo gallery necessary to illustrate this simple proposition (no pun intended)? How exactly can photos depict Maria's non-marriedness, anyway? Are they pictures of her not arguing with someone in her kitchen about what can go down the garbage disposal for the hundredth goddamn time? Regardless, I hate to break it to discerning readers of "ItsTheVibe" (move over, New York Times), but Ms. Sharapova has recently gotten engaged to British businessman Alexander Gilkes, who, notably, isn't you.