He Lost His Tip When He Couldn't Explain Inception

Leonardo DiCaprio as Pizza Guy

THE IMAGE: Former internationally acclaimed Academy Award winning actor / current Domino's Pizza delivery driver Leonardo DiCaprio.

THE BAIT: Stories about talented, rich, and famous people losing everything to cheer you up about the anonymous misery of your own disappointing life.

THE TARGET: Everyone who voted for Donald Trump, the 1,089 super-hot women who slept with Leonardo DiCaprio before fully realizing the scope of his ambition to sleep with super-hot women, Domino's customers who adamantly insisted to their disbelieving spouses that Leonardo DiCaprio delivered their Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza and Stuffed Cheesy Bread last week, Billy Zane.

THE STUPID: So what exactly makes one a "failed celeb"? No longer being celebrated? Accidentally contributing something valuable to society? Hosting the Golden Globes? Whatever the definition, I'm pretty sure that Leonardo DiCaprio, one of the most successful entertainment figures of the last 25 years, whose films have grossed over seven billion dollars worldwide, doesn't qualify. Just a few days ago he appeared with Robert De Niro at a major event in New York City to memorialize the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. He must've somehow managed to squeeze that in between guaranteed 30-minute deliveries. Oh, also -- those Domino's "Heat Wave" bags were used back in the late 90s; they're selling them on eBay now.

Comments