Food, Clothing, and Shelter Not Included

Woman Near Ocean

THE IMAGE: A free-boobed 44-year-old woman celebrating her early retirement from Kohl's by walking briskly across a barren landscape toward a cliff hanging over a frigid ocean that will kill her in minutes if she falls off.

THE BAIT: The ability to quit your low-paid, soul-crushing job and live out your remaining days as a carefree homeless immigrant in some magical foreign land where you never get sick, the IRS can't find you, and self-entitled Americans too broke to pay bribes don't get tortured by the secret police.

THE TARGET: People who think being able to retire with $150,000 sounds great until they remember that they only have $1.50 in their bank accounts, people willing to make critical life decisions based on advice from something called "Crowdy Fan," people who equate financial freedom with partial nudity.

THE STUPID: I suppose this chick is saving money on shirts, but despite the sunshine, her retirement venue still looks pretty bleak. Where the fuck is she? Atop the Rock of Gibraltar? On an iceberg? In an apocalyptic waterworld caused by runaway climate change that no one saw coming except every minimally intelligent person on Earth? I think that's some kind of sea bird perched on the edge of the cliff, directly in front of her, which she may be desperately attempting to capture as her only chance of avoiding starvation. Retail sales in Ohio must be looking a lot better right about now.

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