But Still No Cure for Stupidity

Strange Natural Object

THE IMAGE: What the fuck is that? A squid's eye stuffed pupil-first inside a diseased strawberry? A discarded sour ball mutating into a deadly new life form? An alien invader's right testicle sliced off with a machete by a Florida sugarcane farmer?

THE BAIT: A way to miraculously restore your diminishing youth and attractiveness that doesn't involve Botox or posting decades-old pictures of yourself in bike shorts on eHarmony.

THE TARGET: People who are mortal, people who refuse to take a thoroughly researched and medically approved vaccine that would help prevent them from being infected by a horrific virus but have no hesitation ingesting some weird-looking plant they saw on the Internet to try to reduce their wrinkles, people who believe ancient texts written at a time when the average life expectancy was half of what it is today are a more reliable guide to mitigating the effects of aging than modern science.

THE STUPID: So the secret to eternal youth was discovered by a historian? Maybe now they can finally pay off their student loans for that ill-advised master's degree from Tufts. But what exactly is "the old book" where this incredible information was hidden? The Bible? The Kama Sutra? Lyndon Johnson's autobiography? And why hide it? Why not just come right out and say, "If anyone's interested, you can reverse the human aging process by [eating/drinking/doing] X." Even if the remedy was kept under wraps, shouldn't there be some conspicuous 2,000-year-old dudes out there playing racquetball, pretending not to remember final days of the Roman Empire, and bragging to their friends that they're dating chicks 1% of their age?


  1. It’s rambutan https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rambutan


Post a Comment