You'll Be Back to Storming the Nation's Capitol in No Time

Wrists Bound by Zip-Tie

THE IMAGE: A law-abiding citizen-patriot with his wrists bound by a plastic zip-tie to prevent him from exercising his constitutional right to harass mask-mandating school board members, create a private border patrol, or attempt to overthrow the federal government.

THE BAIT: Incredibly useful information that could help get you out of a real jam.

THE TARGET: Every adult American who owns at least one article of merchandise that non-derisively utilizes the word "Trump," people who suddenly deleted all of their social media accounts on January 7, sexually frustrated misogynistic men who believe the Deep State rather than their own overt loathsomeness is preventing them from getting laid, Steve Bannon.

THE STUPID: I love the tactful way the headline is phrased -- "If you're stuck in a zip-tie ..." No judgment here. Like this is a common, everyday situation you might find yourself in; a confounding, almost amusing accidental occurrence. Seriously, for how many people out there is defeating a zip-tie restraint a pressing concern? Maybe it's better not to know. Regardless, the sponsor has no qualms about aiding potential criminals by sharing the secret vulnerability of all zip-ties ever devised: a friend with a good pair of scissors.