That'll Never Come Out

Vintage Commercial Art

THE IMAGE: Left: Best picnic ever. Right: A power-washed happy family watching an atom bomb test from a nearby public viewing stand one-tenth of a second before becoming permanently blind.

THE BAIT: Delightfully sexist, racist, and/or culturally offensive print ads that harken back to halcyon days when white, middle-aged men with undiagnosed heart disease told American consumers what to buy, how to behave, and who to objectify.

THE TARGET: Your increasingly vulgar grandfather, people who are astounded that social mores change over time, Larry Tate.

THE STUPID: The two separate pictures in the teaser image are cleverly paired to look like they're connected, as if Mom, Dad, Becky Sue, and little Jimmy are all enthusiastically leering at the 17-year-old condiment-challenged sweetheart next door lifting up her dress, ironically making the sponsored content more inappropriate than the outdated ads it's showcasing. The picture on the left isn't even an ad at all -- it's a 1966 painting entitled "Red, White, and Blue" by celebrated pin-up artist / pervert Gil Elvgren. Also, who exactly is the "we" supposed to be in the sponsor's assertion that "we can't believe someone wrote" these ads? I mean, it's not like there's an impressionable group of people behind this who sit around all day getting amazed by random things and eagerly want to share them with the world. It's just some guy who hates his life emotionlessly composing clickbait headlines for an obscure internet marketing company you've never heard of, and the only thing he can't believe is that this is what he's doing with his MFA degree.

Comments