I See Dead Hippos

Hippos in Deep Water

THE IMAGE: Two partially submerged hippos that look like they're fighting for life after being dropped into the Arctic Sea, but instead are enthusiastically mating during a thunderstorm in Lake Victoria.

THE BAIT: The reason why this random nature photo is supposed to be so unsettling, followed by the realization that nothing impacts you emotionally anymore.

THE TARGET: People who habitually mark down "Shark Week" in their otherwise empty calendars, people who wouldn't survive more than 30 seconds in any kind of natural setting, people worried that they're not existentially tormented enough to be as insufferable as their overwrought, angst-ridden friends.

THE STUPID: Who exactly will be "haunted forever" by this photo? I want fucking names. If there was even the slightest possibility that someone actually could be haunted forever after reading the story behind it, why the hell would they? Who in their right mind wants to be haunted forever? If anyone does, there are plenty of things more haunting than the plight of a couple of hippos -- just ask a refugee from Afghanistan, or a pediatrician in Florida.

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