I Predict This Dude Will Be Driving for Uber Next Year

Stock Market Forecaster

THE IMAGE: Some guy you've never heard of who's supposed to be a financial genius but actually just had to sell his boat to make last month's alimony payment.

THE BAIT: A life-changing stock tip that will allow you to join the top 1% in America who you despise with every fiber of your being.

THE TARGET: Day traders so clueless about the market they're down to either this or consulting a fortune-teller, Gen Z'ers who dream of becoming millionaires by age 30 but still will be living with their parents at age 45, anyone who's ever had a partial lobotomy or attended a Tony Robbins seminar.

THE STUPID: The sponsor doesn't want to reveal the actual name or vocation of this purported stock market guru, so they'll just call him "Man." We're supposed to be blown away by the fact that Man predicted the "2020 Crash," which approximately one billion other people also uncannily predicted after, you may dimly recall, a global fucking pandemic exploded early that year. Now, we're told, Man "quietly predicts" another "massive stock market event" (the upward arrow on the image graphic suggests that this time it's good news -- BUY!). Strangely, though, in the headline, with respect to Man's new forecast, "predicts" is in quotation marks; but with respect to Man's 2020 warning, "predicted" is not. Does this mean that while Man actually predicted the 2020 selloff, his current advice isn't really a prediction at all? What is it then? A hunch? A haiku? Maybe that's why he's saying it quietly, so as few people as possible are lulled into believing that he knows what the hell he's talking about. The sponsor, however, appears untroubled by any such concerns.